I had forgotten all about my little slice of internet here! I had the intention of setting out to start a new blog for myself to start documenting my life so I am hopefully able to look back and reflect on my progress towards bettering myself, but then I found this, it already had my name, I figured I may as well just add to it!
This really is going to be a completely personal blog. I know that now days most people (myself included) start a blog more for the attention rather than using it as a way to get out your emotions, thoughts, whatever. Blogs started out as an online diary/journal, and we all know that you NEVER wanted someone to read your diary, but now they seem so much less personal because one is writing for an audience rather than them self!
Anyways, if anyone actually is reading this (possible followers from when I started this thing well over a year ago), my life has changed a bit from where I was before, but not enough to suit me. I started a job in February working for a marine construction company and even though at times it was boring and I felt under appreciated, I really did like working there. I met who is now one of my best friends there, Sam. I liked that even though it was a large company (and a huge office) it felt small and family-like. In August they started to do a lot of cut backs and laid off several people and unfortunately, I was one of those. I was upset, but I knew that I was in a much better place compared to the last time I was out of work. I spoke with my agent at my employment agency and told her that I was okay with not working for a few weeks if it meant that she could take her time to find a job that really worked for me, meaning I'd make decent pay and feel compatible with the company. Pretty much every business in the world needs some sort of administrative position, so I feel it is important to find a company/field that suits me.
I have been with my current job since September 2nd. I like it here, but I don't love it. A lot of the women are quite clique-y here and I'm used to making friends at jobs and here I don't really have anyone that'd I'd want to do more than go out to lunch with. I wouldn't mind finding some place that makes me happier, but I am holding on for now because I hoping that I will be hired on as a full-time employee soon, and in that case I will be entitled to full benefits (I haven't been to the doctors in years!) and my hourly rate should go up several dollars. So I'm going to suck it up and stick with it for now!
Except for the job changes and meeting a new person that has become an important part of my life (that sounds so sappy but making a new, close friend is a big deal!), 2011 hasn't been that exciting of a year, and I am completely to blame. I cut myself off socially quite a bit, turning down invitations and rejecting offers to go out, mostly because I have been unhappy with myself, more physically than spiritually/mentally, but I have also been doing some soul-searching trying to figure out who I really am and how I come across to other people. It seems like so often how we see ourselves is not how other's see us, and I want to try to figure out a way to start projecting to others my ideal image of myself. But my main drag has been my physical appearance. In 2010 I lost 29 pounds which sounds like a big deal, but was really baby steps towards my ultimate goal. Cut to this year and I have gained back 15 of those pounds, although I'm pretty sure there has been points during the year when I was heavier than that and just refused to weigh. My weight has been one of my biggest issues for most of my life, and I allow myself to become depressed and withdrawn when I am unhappy with my appearance.
Another increasing problem is my skin. I always had normal skin throughout my teenage years, maybe a blemish here and there but overall not needing much makeup (but that didn't stop me from piling it on!) However the past few years I have developed severe acne and it seems to just be getting worse. I have tried almost everything I can for it and really the only thing that has helped was getting prescription products from the dermatologist, but like I said, I haven't had insurance in quite some time. So while I can figure out ways to dress myself hide/flatter my figure as much as possible, I can't hide my face. I have always taken pride in my makeup application skills. I have done some freelance work and my friends always beg me to do their makeup before going out. But with acne this bad, there really isn't much that can be done short of airbrushing and I don't have the funds for an airbrushing machine. Yet. (Fingers crossed I can get one soon!)
I swear I'm not as big of a complainer as I seem to be here, but it feels so good to just lay everything out and have the opportunity to examine it from another angle. And the point to all of this, bitching about my life and attempting to start blogging is because I want to gain control of myself and my life and go full force in 2012. I have so many goals and ambitions for myself and I need to start being proactive because nothing good is going to come to me as I'm living my life like a reclusive child. I need to take responsibility for the direction in which I choose to head and make myself into who I want to be.
So if you are along for the ride, bless you. As I said in the beginning, this blog is really just for me. I'm not trying to entertain an audience, I'm trying to work on myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment